Encyclopedia of fails

Names the system keeps minting

Public, attested patterns: textbook transliterations, salad collisions, captions, Xinhua dots. Cited as cultural examples — including a public figure's news-wire spelling — not as a roast of a private person.

• 约翰

  John

  transliterationno surname

  The Xinhua row for John. 约 and 翰 are sound-spellings. There is no 百家姓 surname. A native does not introduce themselves as 约翰 unless they are reading someone else's passport.

• 莎拉

  Sarah ≈ salad

  transliterationfood

  Textbook Sarah, and a near-homophone of 沙拉 — salad. The naming system handed millions of Sarahs a menu item. Kill.

• 山姆

  Sam / Shamu

  transliterationmascot

  Sam on a classroom list; Shamu on the internet. Mascot energy. Not a personal name.

• 好天使

  Good Angel

  caption

  A WeChat bio, a choir caption, a virtue salad. It does not parse as surname + given name. 好 is not a working 姓 here; 天使 is not a 名.

• 奥丽维姬

  Olivia

  transliterationtoo long

  Olivia stretched across five graphs. Chinese personal names in ordinary use are two or three characters. This is a pronunciation paragraph.

• 罗莎蒙德·派克

  Rosamund Pike (public figure, cultural example)

  interpunctXinhua

  The 间隔号 · is how mainland news-wire copy marks a transcribed foreign name. It is a filing convention, not a person-name. Cited here as a public, attested pattern — not as a joke about a private individual.

• 玛丽

  Mary

  transliteration

  玛 is a foreign-name marker. 玛丽 is what hymnals and English tests use for Mary. It is not how Han personal names are built.

• 凯文

  Kevin (the default one)

  transliteration

  The dictionary Kevin. Contrast 陆克文: same English target, real 姓 + 名. 凯文 is the table. 陆克文 is a name.

• 玛丽亚

  Maria

  transliterationthree syllables

  Three transcription syllables. Reads like a program note, not a roll-call name.

• 麦克尔

  Michael

  transliteration

  Michael with the -el tail glued on. 尔 is one of the most reliable 'this was transcribed' fingerprints.

Deep dives: John / 约翰, Mary / 玛丽, Kevin / 凯文, Sarah / 莎拉. That is the full slug list. We are not farming fifty English names. Longer attested stories — salad, Shamu, class votes — live in Funny Chinese names foreigners actually got.